My opinion: what body acceptance isn't

Today I wrote a post for one of my other blogs, but I thought I'd post a link here because there is a degree of crossover.

My opinion: what body acceptance isn't

The road is never straight

I have had a lot of ups and downs over the last few weeks, which has meant I haven't posted for a while. I  haven't really done SW because I've been unwell in a way that kind of meant I couldn't. I've also not been sleeping very well so the routine of posting has gone out the window. But I'm still here and I've not forgotten what I supposed to be doing.

I had a motivational boost (if you want to be positive about it) in the form of the Ice Bucket Challenge this week. Looking at the video I can barely stand the sight of myself. Granted, I was dressed in clothes from the washing basket and I was on a time limit - it would have been nice to get dressed up in a ball gown and do a bit of a Neil Gaiman thing but alas my oompa-lumpa took over. I will post it later so you can see what I mean.

Three pictures of me looking a bit like a serial killer

Okay, so here are three photos from during the week. I'm looking like a serial killer in two of them, which sucks. I just haven't got the hang of doing a selfie and smiling at the same time yet!

Is this a thing?

 
Something weird happened this week that I haven't really noticed before and I don't know if I liked it.

Basically, I took a picture of myself to update my photo diary and when I looked at it later I had a moment of actually kind of liking what I saw. Weird. I originally put it down to loosing nearly a stone, so I pulled up the original before picture from a few months ago expecting to see a clear difference between the two.

This is my confused face.

No. That's not what happened. I looked at the original photo and ended up wondering what the hell I was on about calling myself an oompa-lumpa. It seemed fine. I thought I looked okay in both of them.

So what was going on? The only thing I can think of was that I'd had some really nice, positive male attention that left me feeling that perhaps I'm not the physical carcrash I normally think I am.

A few days after that, I'm looking at both the pictures again and I'm back to my original oompa-lumpa assessment. Clearly the pictures are the same but I have changed.

Now in theory, of course I know that perception can change depending on your mood and other factors. Looking in the mirror from one day to the next and seeing a better/worse reflection of me does make sense - I've said before about the way photos and the mirror seem to be different to me. But surely photos are fixed and I never expected them to actually LOOK so perceptively different to me.

But they did and that leaves me with one major head-fuck. What's real?

Is it the oompa-lumpa or is it the okayish girl? Perhaps it's neither. And how do I know?

The other thing that really freaked me out was this: I though I was better looking when a man treated me like I was.

I consider myself to be an intelligent woman and pretty reasonable but somehow my brain is working against me. What am I supposed to do with this knowledge? Flirt (ha!) with men to try and get attention so I feel positive about my body? Because, it was kind of nice while it lasted. The thing was it didn't last so it's not a great long term plan even if I didn't have an issue with basing self-esteem on other people's opinions.

Also, I feel as though I've somehow betrayed myself. I honestly never thought I was that person. I don't want to be that person.

Bloody hell!

Weigh in - 16st 8.5lbs

Sorry, this is an update for 19th August. Maintained, which is fine. At least I haven't backslid. That half pound is eluding me!

Weigh in - 16st 8.5lbs

Lost 1.5lbs. Yay! That was over two weeks but fair enough. I think it accurately reflects the effort I put in and, after contorting myself into what I hope looked like interested yoga balances on my scales this morning in order to try and get them to say something other than around the 16st 12lbs mark, I'm please that SW scales are my side today.

Half a pound and I'll have lost a stone. There's some motivation. Plus the sticker. Who doesn't love a sticker?

Food Diary

Breakfast - Babybels x 2 (A), Almonds x 20 (B), yoghurt, 2 satumas

Lunch - Tesco butternut and feta salad - 10.5 syns, grapes

Dinner -Scrambled eggs with tomatoes and onions
Snacks/Other -left over prawn and courgette pasta
Total syns - 10.5

My salad from tesco was really nice. I was good and checked the syns before I bought it so big tick. The scrambled eggs were a gone-wrong omlette but it tasted okay.

Weighed myself at home this morning on the scales that you can only really take a guess at the actual weight it's showing and it looks as though I put on. Might have been the pasta last night. Tomorrow... we shall see.

Body Positivity

It may seem that because I'm trying to loose weight that I disapprove of fatness and I just thought I'd take a moment to explain that's not the case.

I've mentioned before the health problems I've had in the past, my worries about arthritis and joint problems and how that's motivation and part of the reason for me loosing weight. But I'd be lying if I said that if all of that wasn't a consideration, I'd be happy with my weight.

There are lot of things I don't like about my body and my size is one of those things. That said, I am working on being more positive and I really admire anyone who is comfortable in their own skin. Check out my Pinterest board for my role models on body positivity.

Vital Statistics

Today I had to take my measurement for the dress for my brother's wedding next year so I figured I should post them in the interest of progress. I've never bothered about measurements before, but I'll probably take them again before the wedding for a final fitting.

Bust - 42.5'
Waist - 36'
Hips - 52'

I then googled what an average waist should measure and apparently anything over 31 inches is supposed to be bad for your health. Well, considering I'm obese, that's not any real surprise. I am a pear-shape so my hips were always going to be massive and just to put the bust in perspective, my bra size is 38-36DD and a little bit tight!

Food Diary

Breakfast -n/a

Lunch -2 x babybel (A), 20 Almonds (B), salad, squares bar - 5.5 syns

Dinner - pasta with courgettes, onions and prawns
Snacks/Other -2 x babybels - 6 syns
Total syns - 11.5

Well, I don't know how long this internet access is going to last but I thought I'd make the most of it. I've been on track for the last few days but before that was not great. I had a quick go on the scales at work today and it looks as though I might maintain this week. I have to confess I didn't go to Slimming World last week. I stayed in bed instead. Yep, I napped. Sometimes you just need to sleep - don't they say sleep is essential to weight loss?

Weigh in - 16st 10lbs

From weigh in on 29/7/14. Lost a pound. Yay. Right direction. Really 3lbs was me just being daft.

On a slightly less enthusiastic note, don't expect any regular food diaries for a while. I may try and just update the week planner, but unfortunately, even when my broadband does work, it's hard to get Padlet to load. I'll have to have a think about that...There was a brief shining moment when my internet was working and I optimistically posted food diaries in the belief that I could continue, but alas the ever challenging internet provider company I use clearly feels I've had my share and I am back to blogging practically anywhere but at home.

This week is going okay so far. That is to say I stuffed my face on Tuesday and ended up with what I suspect was food poisoning on Wednesday. My mother calls this a "double net gain" because I've got "stuff coming out but nothing going in". I can't decide whether I'm amused or revolted or some combination of both.

Anyway, I'm over it now and am sticking to the plan. Still struggling with my 1/3 fruit and veg but I'm working on it. I have cherries on my desk right now and I have the makings of the hallowed Slimming World curry loaf which makes salads so much more appealing.